Leggo My Eggo!

Eaters of crappy breakfasts nationwide will soon mean business when they scream "Leggo my Eggo!" Two of the four Kellogg factories that produce the beloved frozen waffles have basically experienced their own 2012. Flooding problems in Atlanta and mechanical problems in Tennessee mean that Eggo waffle supply will be noticeably down until next summer. The other plants are located in San Jose, CA and Blue Anchor, NJ. <--(Hopefully they're both reviewing the emergency disaster plans because I can smell another doomsday and it might go well with syrup.)

Kellogg Fights Waffle Shortage

"Stay-at-home mom Joey Resciniti says she bought one of the last two boxes of Eggos at a Walmart in Cranberry Township, Pa., on Monday. The frozen waffles are a favorite of her 4-year-old daughter, Julia."
Sorry, Julia...your mom Joey will be rationing your Eggo intake. You might have to eat real food for breakfast. (Do you think this is one of those "J" name families?)

So how are consumers reacting? Like a bunch of dorks. A quote from another article reads, "Twitter bites back. Eggo enthusiasts took to the Internet to mourn the shortage. Lovers of the Twilight vampire movie series thinking about another kind of bite, as Twitter fanpage editors comforted each other via the social media site. User @KStew411, a page devoted to Twilight star Kristen Stewart, tweeted on Tuesday: "I am despondent. DESPONDENT. My 4 food groups are: tacos, skittles, pop, and eggos!" I wish there was a shortage of Twilight series fans. Also interesting to point out is the possible correlation between poor taste in foods and poor taste in entertainment.

weather, colors, shoes

Three years, a hundred episodes. One of the most refreshing hours of music & commentary to ever reach my ears. Bob Dylan's Theme Time Radio Hour, an unbeatable selection of songs and proof that San Francisco '65 sarcasm has stuck around.

More cash for cupcakes

Calls to tax junk food gain ground
This fatty tax disgusts me more than the idea of eating an entire wedding cake in one sitting. It seems as though policy makers are trying to bullshit the general population of retards into thinking these taxes will essentially "save people from themselves". If you've ever taken one economics class or have any common sense, it's clear that many of their claims are nothing but nonsense.

Many are comparing this potential tax on junk food to the tax imposed on tobacco products. (I wonder if they will also come out with fire safe cinnamon buns?) In fact, tobacco and Twinkies are actually not similar at all. Truthfully, tobacco has an inelastic quality to it, meaning its consumers are more likely to ignore a tax hike because THEY ARE ADDICTED LIKE MAD to what they are buying. As a brand-loyal smoker, I bought nothing outside of Marlboros for five years straight, even though buying other brands could have saved me more than a dollar per pack. As a brand-loyal Coke drinker, I won't hesitate to sacrifice my preference if Pepsi is on sale, and I'll sometimes even buy store-brand even though it tastes like crud. So in a sense, the gov'ment is on the right track if they REALLY, TRUTHFULLY want America to stop eating candy for dinner. But think about it, the point of any tax is to get the government some extra money. If nobody is buying junk food any more, the tax will ultimately be a failure. Is it evil to think that "they" assume Americans are so addicted to junky crap that they will make all kinds of $$$$$ from an unbreakable, bad habit? (Like the tobacco tax?!)

The article also claims that "studies" show people will be likely to switch from Coke to milk if the price of coke is increased 15 cents. Guess what, it doesn't work that way. Milk is not a realistic substitute for Coke. Think about your fountain beverage choices (7Up, Dr. Pepper, Diet Coke, Pepsi, Coke Zero, maybe even some crappy lemonade)...THESE are likely Coke substitutes.


No matter what their reasoning or true intentions, public health experts and law makers in support of these taxes need to realize that the consequences are going to stink more than a bunch of fat asses. By assuming people no longer have any semblance of will power, they're taking away any possibility that people will start to make healthier decisions for themselves. True changes are hardly ever made by force from others, and more taxes usually just cause more anger towards the government and unhappy citizens.

what america needs

I've been renting documentaries every week since the beginning of the summer. Most of them have been fantastic, and I'll mention those in a later post. A lot of them have been obviously biased, and only one has truly made me cringe. "What America Needs", by Minneapolis film maker and boring douche Mark Wojahn. The concept of this documentary is almost too simple: this guy in his early 30's travels across the country asking people one question..."What does America need?"

The only thing worse than the 500 predictable, typical answers from Americans (and a ton of foreigners visiting America) is Wojahn's monotone narration. This guy's voice makes NPR news sound like a Chucky Cheese's birthday party.

Anyway, he starts out in New York City. I <3 NY, but apparently that city is full of turds. One woman said that America needs higher taxes, presumably to support a better social welfare system. She then adds that within one month after the birth of her child, the two of them will be leaving the country. Hopefully she remembers to pay the hospital bills. Her apartment looked like an IKEA store display.

Washington DC had a lot of worry warts on account of a community sniper on the loose during the time he "shot" his documentary there. The people there seemed entirely focused on their local issue, but not very good at articulating their thoughts. "We is uh, facing a lot of hard times out here now, uh, there's this sniper goin round shootin at people & it's scary, 'cause...ya know, we can't even go out in the streets no more..." (Coming from someone who was standing in the street at the time, and a background buzzing with cars and people walking around.)

One woman with an adorable toddler decked out in designer baby clothes claimed that "America needs to stop worrying about what we wear, what we drive, etc." Judging by her hair, she was clearly the most appearance-conscious person in this entire film.

As Wojahn drove deeper into the heart of America, religious-based answers to his question became more common. These were the most boring answers to sit through, but the old ladies were kind of cute.

As he traveled further west, the answers were pretty much all the same. Peace, love, more awareness bullshit. California proved itself to be one big glittery party when Wojahn set out to interview various 20-somethings drinking on Halloween night. Some of the answers to what they think America needs: "More cute gay men." "More boobs. Everyone loves boobs." "Clubs that are open until 11 in the morning."

Overall, I believe Wojahn had an alright idea. The guy obviously has balls to go out traveling on his own and talk to all these people across the United States. Unfortunately, people throughout the United States had very little insight and ideas to offer him. It makes me sad that out of 500 people from my country, there are maybe ten of them who don't come across as undeniably ignorant. America needs to get a clue.

celeb status

I don't care about celebrity gossip, I've never step foot in the state of California, and I agree with Jefferson's "all men are created equal" thing. And somehow now I find myself toying with the prospects of being a celebrity personal assistant! After doing a little research it seems like some people involved in this celebrity personal assistant industry are retarded. One guide states, "as a celebrity personal assistant you can earn up to $100,000 per year, and enjoy an incredible lifestyle that most people can only dream about." Seriously? It's going to take a lot more than $100,000 to give me a lifestyle that I can only dream about. $100,000 isn't a flashy amount of annual salary, not to mention this lifestyle only I can dream about. In my dreams, I own entire cities, I have closets full of Chanel gowns, and I get free rum and cokes delivered to me by male supermodels. "In return for screening fan mail, answering phones, and planning parties, celebrity personal assistants are allowed to enter an exclusive world and live like a star." This sentence is entirely contradicting. Living like a star means having someone screen your fan mail and answer your phones, right? You cannot be "living like a star" if opening mail and answering phones is a primary part of your occupation. "A good celebrity personal assistant (CPA) functions as coordinator, friend, and just about anything else that a famous person might require." I wonder how many Certified Public Accountants have had to explain themselves after stating that they are a CPA, and vice-versa.

"[Benefits include] box seats to concerts like N’Sync, traveling first class, phone calls from your celeb’s colleagues like Jamie Lee Curtis and even my very own Palm Pilot courtesy of the boss. Whenever I travel with the boss everyone sees us as a team, and we both get the VIP treatment. Oh, and of course guest lists on any club of your choice."
-–David Katz, Celebrity Personal Assistant to
Steve Burns of Nickelodeon’s Blues Clues

fuck this dorm, it's on fire

Police Slog Through 40,000 Insipid Party Pics To Find Cause Of Dorm Fire

olympissed

The banners are waving, the bureaucrats are hopeful...will Chicago be cursed with hosting the 2016 Olympic games? Reasons why I hope not...

Reason #1: Nowhere to have it. Apparently Wrigley Field is being considered for field events. I don't really care about the Cubs, but this means NO CUBS GAMES for probably most of the summer while they prune and pick the little blades of grass to Olympic perfection. And um, has anyone ever been to Wrigleyville? It's like the Fiji house. Neighborhood 20-somethings will be throwing cans of PBR into the stadium from their apartment rooftops.

Reason #2: Traffic jams. One time there was a Sox game AND a Bon Jovi concert on the same night and it took me over an hour to get from Chinatown to Hyde Park on the Dan Ryan.

Reason #3: No $$$$$$$. Why spend money on fixing the rotted, dilapidated, derailed CTA when you can build tall diving boards with it instead? How about the millions of dollars they spent just hanging up those stupid "2016 Olympic Bid" banners along Michigan avenue? I noticed them on the way to the L, where I regrettably paid the official 25 cent increase in fare charges.

Reason #4: Foreigners vs. Foreigners. Chicago is already a diverse city! There are Puerto Ricans and Mexicans in Humboldt Park and Pilsen, Chinese in Chinatown, blacks on the south side, a few Indians on Devon St. and the master hipster race in Wicker Park. There is no room for Koreans, French or Canadians.

Reason #5: Bathrooms. Chicago seriously lacks functioning public restrooms, so I would imagine that thousands upon thousands of porta-potties will have to be implemented throughout the city. Have you ever been to Lollapalooza? Have you seen the mountains of poop that accumulate in those things over 3 days? TRY 3 WEEKS!

Reason #6: Most people don't realize this, but when a city signs up for the "Summer Olympics", it also has to host the Paralympics. Apparently "Paralympics" isn't even a real word, since my spell check is underling it in red right now, which means it probably shouldn't exist in real life either.

Chicago's rival cities are Rio de Janeiro, Toyko, and Madrid. The final selection will be made on October 2nd in Copenhagen by a panel of Danish super models.

"the easiest way to blog."

Last night, in an attempt to bring more social connections to my blog, I did something I thought I would never do...I signed up for a Tubmlr. I even imported all of my Blogger posts into it. It was like pouring all your transfer credits over to a new school and then deciding to stay where you're at. It only took five minutes before I started searching out the "deactivate account" button. Sure, the site holds stigmas of being kind of hipster shallow, and just as with most stereotypes there is a grain of truth. In this case, though, I found a silo of truth. And five hundred troughs and a barrel.

According to the interwebs, a "tumblelog" is a variation of a blog that favors short-form, mixed-media posts over the longer editorial posts frequently associated with blogging. Common post formats found on tumblelogs include links, photos, quotes, dialogues, and video. In other words, Tumblr is designed to store audio and/or visual vomit without any added on commentary or original thought. It's basically like a Photobucket but with obnoxious colors and a little picture of yourself in the corner of the template. In reality, this whole idea is not much different than taping magazine cut-outs of super models and "cool shit" to your bedroom walls for your friends to see when they come over.

My hours-long browse of the site revealed thousands of sickeningly trendy photos, a few aspiring something-or-others, and an endless number of re-posted gunk. One user called "bitchville" epitomizes this whole idea of micro-blogging all too perfectly. Bitchville is a very teen girl from Sydney, Australia. On the top of her blog is a little Polaroid (or Photoshop?) collage of herself donning a dinosaur T-shirt, striped sweater, and bossy little look. She likes all the typical things that are so generalized that when listed, they actually give no insight towards the person whatsoever. These include traveling, art, photography, good music, tea, etc. Supposedly this blog is somewhat of a journal for her; she says she uses it to "bitch" about her life. I'm sorry to say that scrolling through over two weeks of recent posts recovered no bitching whatsoever; hardly even anything with more than three words of text. I did find a Tribe Called Quest MP3 and a quote from Winnie the Pooh, though.

Honestly, Tumblrs, get your acts together! I'm still not completely sure why this bothers me at all, but I guess it comes from a little place of worry. In the end, micro-blogging is just a goofy, self-absorbed, entertaining way to blog. It's sort of vapid and easy and fun. But what happens when it replaces actual blogging? What happens when people don't want to read anything more than 140 characters? Will there be a point to creating anything of your own when you can simply re-post the art and opinions of strangers (or Winnie the Pooh) and have people "follow" you for it?

cake and candles

Since my birthday is tomorrow (May 9th), I've had birthday on the brains; birthdays past and potential birthdays future, my favorite birthday presents, and celebrity birthdays that fall on the same day as mine. I've also been thinking about that birthday probability theory where if there are only 30 people in a room, there's already a 70% chance that two will share the same birthday. Okay, old news, I know.
What isn't old news, though, is the fact that upon doing a little birthday googling, I have officially come across my new favorite celebrity birthday match (it used to be Billy Joel).

Ladies and gentleman, Audrina Patridge.
Reality television crapstar and real-life gossip girl, Audrina has done everything from hooking up with the 30 Seconds to Mars drummer to starring in a straight-to-DVD movie titled "Into the Blue 2: The Reef". She was recently asked to give a few summertime beauty tips and advice about the 'perfect look'. This is what she came up with:

“Get a little color ahead of time: if you haven’t seen the sun all winter, self tanner works wonders! I always feel skinnier when I have a little glow. You can apply yourself, or go get a spray tan.”

“Make sure your bathing suit fits! If you’re sure that your top/bottom will stay on, whether you’re playing in the waves, throwing around a Frisbee, or playing volleyball, you’ll be confident, comfortable and relaxed. Also, do a see-thru test first (especially with white, or light colored bathing suits). Nobody wants to get wet and realize their suit is sheer!”

I love you, birthday twin!

2009 TIME 100

2009 TIME 100
Before I begin, I'd like to point out the fact that if the group of photos above were the Brady Bunch grid, Sarah Palin would be Alice and Zac Efron would be Marcia. Anyway, this year's TIME 100 list isn't that surprising or unusual. They had Ashton Kutcher write the article for "The Twitter Guys", a top pick for the Builders and Titans section. Kutcher (twitter.com/aplusk) will probably have nearly 2 million followers by the time I'm finished writing this entry, but that doesn't change the fact that he used the wrong form of "too" in this post from earlier today...

"A reason to wake up, to much sleep can cause death http://bit.ly/sE1o8
about 12 hours ago from TweetDeck"

Jeff Bezos, one of my personal favorites, made the list again this year under "Heroes and Icons", while he's actually the brains behind Amazon and an entrepreneur at heart. While I was watching Barney in the early 90's, Bezos was giving the finger to Wall Street and sketching his plans to essentially invent e-commerce during a cross-country road trip from New York to Seattle.
Suze Orman- notorious lesbian, liar, and Jew, is one of my least favorite monsters to make the the list. I won't even start with this one.

hipster grifter

It was just over a week ago when a friend of mine first told me about Kari Ferrell, the infamous Hipster Grifter. I'm ashamed for being approximately one week late on this story, so I'm making up for it by being obsessed. This whole thing is already sort of played out, but I don't care...this is much better news than swine flu. Who is she? What will happen next? Why can't I be a psychopathic Asian 20-something with a chest tattoo?
Meet Kari Ferrell: Criminally Hipster
Where In the World is the Hipster Grifter?

Die Brücke

When I learned about transcendentalists in high school I pictured Brook Farm to be a cross between a nudist colony in Roselawn, IN and an Amish settlement...full of hippies. Now I imagine Die Brücke as the original 20th century hipsters...who actually contributed to society. If Bleyl, Karl, Heckel, and my big old crush Kirchner were born in 1985, I think they'd exist in the form of Gaspard Augé, Cory Kennedy, Cobrasnake and Urban Outfitters.

meek beak

I wish all birds looked like this. A parrot which lost part of its beak is seen in its cage in Cali April 18, 2009, after being rescued by Ana Julia Torres. Torres is a teacher whom for the last 16 years has been adopting and helping injured animals. She founded the Villa Lorena shelter for injured and mistreated animals which cares for at least 680 animals, including some that have been dismembered by hunters. heheehe

diplomatic gifts

With Obama's recent trips around the globe, we are reminded yet again of the hilarty that ensues when the richest and most powerful people on earth decide to swap trinkets. Heads of state have been exchanging gifts for centuries. The Pharaohs of ancient Egypt presented engraved stone vases to the Hittites, and in the Middle Ages an emissary of Richard the Lionhart presented a flock of birds (my worst nightmare) to the representative of Saladin. Anyway, these gifts started to get even weirder this March when Hilary Clinton gifted the Russian foreign minister with an over sized button labeled "reset" in Russian, to symbolize new Russian-American relations. A poor and feeble attempt at humor rapidly morphed into international humiliation when it became clear that some state department genius had mistakenly slapped the Russian word for "overcharge" on it instead. This was only the beginning. Obama gave British Prime Minister Gordon Brown a boxed set of Hollywood movies during his recent visit to the White House. American DVDs are apparently incompatible with British players. Obama also gave Queen Lizzy an iPod packed with Broadway tunes. She already had one. Whoever is playing "Santa" for the Obama administration really needs to get their act together.

lookbook.nu

It's stylish. It's superficial. I'm addicted!
Lookbook is a personalized version of Face Hunter on steroids. Join if you can. Browse but be careful. It'll suck you in. Check out some of the looks I've hyped here.

TSA 3D body scan

Are you outraged by those TSA 3D body scans, America?

This week, the TSA has implemented a full body scan machine at Salt Lake International airport as a security alternative to ye olde time metal detectors. Some people are worried that these blurry 3D images of their flabby bodies will somehow end up on the internet. (First photo in their friend's SpringBreak09! facebook album.) Middle aged women and other nervous nellies love this idea, claiming that it's "safer to have a look underneath the clothing." Yet another unnecessary invasion of privacy by the government, or an important step in keeping our airspace safe? Either way, there are going to be thousands of Mormon nudes taken tomorrow and millions by next year.

corporate name games

It's official. The Sears Tower is going to be renamed "Willis Tower" by its newest owner.

"Having our name associated with Chicago's most iconic structure underscores our commitment to this great city, and recognizes Chicago's importance as a major financial hub and international business center," said Joseph J. Plumeri, chairman and chief executive officer of Willis Group Holdings.

Really? Worst statement ever, for a few reasons.
Although Chicago plays an important role as an "international business center", it is perhaps the most historic city in the U.S. outside of the East coast. Even people who haven't been to Chicago will probably be able to tell you something about Al Capone or deep-dish pizza. Anyone who lives in Chicago will be able to tell you that the city is literally a cesspool of art, creativity and historic landmarks. Not a financial institution.

Chicago is full of famous examples of name-change gone wrong. Or at least not gone happy. I'm only going to mention a couple of these, but you can look more up. Comiskey park became US Cellular Field in 2003. Generations of southsiders and unloyal northsiders who had grown up going to Sox games were peeved. Not only that, but "US Cellular" is about the most corporate name for a company imaginable, and that doesn't fit in nicely with the wholesome All-American baseball thing. Marshall Fields, a company with so much history in Chicago it'll make your head spin, was finally changed to "Macy's" in 2006. There were petitions, protests, and probably even facebook groups about this. Do they still have the Frango mints?


I understand that Sears has been out of the building for about ten years now, but the name still holds extraordinary value to the real estate. If nothing else, this is a bad business move on Mr. Plumeri's part. And I guarantee you, the preconceived notion of these executives is not going to be a shiny one. They sure do seem like a bunch of jerks for caring about their name more than the history of a city they just landed in- doesn't seem like "great commitment" to me.

$398 boots

Long gone are the days when three trips to the thrift store a week was the norm. I'll never forget the countless hours I've spent rummaging through shit and sometimes shirts with actual shit on them in order to find a gem. Even if the hunt didn't end with a gather, it was still the best stress reliever for a high-schooler with a Dunkin' Donuts paycheck.

It's been sort of a dream of mine to own a little vintage store, but that's everybody's dream. I figure I'll start someday by selling all my old scores from the thrift store days on eBay or Etsy. I'll start price capping my items at ten dollars. You know why? Because none of my shit is even worth two dollars. I understand the value of "sentiment" and "originality", and I especially understand the value of "style", but Urban Outfitters must put gold soles in their shoes to make some of those pieces of shit cost 398 bucks. I'm especially amused by the "Urban Renewal" junk they push. They'll take a cool old jacket that they had an intern buy for fifty cents at a Salvation Army and put heart patches all over it. To me, that makes it worth negative money; I would pay to not wear that.

The "great thrift stores" back at home are quickly becoming picked over by the "cool kids", and some of those places are even catching on. The Salvation Army off the blue line Grand stop has significantly marked up jackets and purses and it just so happens that's what all the kids are gobbling up. "Vintage" stores in Chicago like Lenny & Me and the Brown Elephant have cute stuff, but it'll be a cold day in hell when I pay twenty dollars for a smelly t-shirt that they bought for twenty cents. In Bloomington IN, I've never found anything special at the Good Will or Salvation Army. I guess the demographics of donors aren't eccentric enough for my taste. The Cactus Flower prices most things around fourteen bucks, but when you like everything in the store the thrill of the search is lost! (And you walk out with empty pockets)

I understand these stores are usually struggling to pay rent and turn a profit at the same time. It's just a shame that the true art of thrifting seems to be dying off. For once, I really hope I'm wrong.

f*** my life

"Today, I accidentally unplugged my headphones in the quiet section of the library, causing my music to play from my laptop at full volume. I was listening to Celine Dion. I'm the captain of the football team. FML"

"Today, this guy took me to Denny's on a first date and used a 2 for 1 coupon. It was expired. I paid. FML"

"Today, I handed my PhD dissertation, which I have spent the past year researching and writing full-time. Last night, my roommate set an autocorrect on Word that changed "neither" to "nigger." I didn't notice until after I handed it in. My professor is black. FML"

F*** My Life.com

Roberto Burle Marx

Marx's work seems even more incredible to me every winter when most of the landscape around me turns to dry, brown ice.

A New Look at the Man Who Made Tropical Landscaping an Art

2009 crime

Happy New Year!
After a bad fight with the boyfriend, I guess I should be thankful my midnight celebration didn't turn out like this: New Year's Eve Slaying